How To Stop Self Destructing

May 17, 2011

I’ve been doing a lot of “personal development” and “self improvement” lately.  Reading great blogs and being mindful of what I think and feel and asking why and where does it come from and so on.

I noticed I have a recurring issue where I drink and when I drink, I get desperate for male attention.

People always say “you have to love yourself” and “you don’t need a man to make you feel the way you need to feel”…

And let me tell you, that’s all easier said than done!


I decided to give myself a break.  I decided to go on a sabbatical from booze and boys.

No more going out and drinking.

And do you know what happened?  I found myself slap-bang face up in front of my void, the feeling I was trying to drown with alcohol and male attention, and because I couldn’t cover it up with these “fillers”, I had to learn to ride the storm.

I had to do it for myself. I had to give myself what I needed.  I had to face the problem head on and feel it and figure out why it was there and how to handle it being there.

I can tell you it was the best thing that I did for myself.  I learned that I am far stronger than I thought I was, where the issue was coming from and that I can give myself what I need instead of going out and looking for someone else to do it.

This doing it for yourself applies to other issues in your life to.  And each time I feel like I want to use drink or men or food or sleeping or procrastination to numb the self-esteem issues, I let myself be strong and take it on and deal with it, cold turkey – and I am all the better for it.

No one can make us feel the way we need to feel and we shouldn’t expect anyone to either.  We are just human and we cannot fulfil people’s voids without losing ourselves and we cannot ask others to do that for us either.  We have to do it for ourselves.  We have to let ourselves be strong enough, and believe me, you ARE strong enough.

We are never given more than we can handle, even though it may feel like it in the moment, we always come out stronger on the other side, and there is always another side.

Have you ever overcome an issue by facing it head on? Or doing something else? Tell us about it in the comments 🙂

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  • Minty May 20, 2011 at 6:48 am

    “We are never given more than we can handle, even though it may feel like it in the moment, we always come out stronger on the other side, and there is always another side.” I like this line! It’s so true, everyone is doing the best that they can in the moment and you just have to accept that although that may not be the perfect response, it’s OKAY, because you’re doing your best and that’s good enough.

    • The Dame May 20, 2011 at 8:30 am

      Exactly! 😀

  • Chris May 20, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Ok, so for quite sometime now I have felt a lack of self love. Always looking into the mirror and seeing my flaws and having a hard time gaining confidence. Obviously, I needed to get to the bottom of this because it was becoming quite annoying and I knew the reason why I was never able to find a good partner was because I had these issues and even when relationships arose I didn’t want anything to do with them because I knew I would be using their reinforcements to fill my emptiness. Anway, it is still a day to day struggle and I’m noticing myself smiling more and more for no reason and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight. Recently, I have begun to think that sometimes I am afraid of what I can accomplish if my confidence was brimming and overflowing. What a stupid thing to be nervous of, but for some reason I think it’s true. I no longer want to be held back by this, and I want to see what I can bring to this life with my smile and a better attitude.

    • The Dame May 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

      And Chris, you will totally do it! You want it and you will become your dream girl because you have it in you.

      I want you to do an exercise. I want you to give yourself permission to make lists of all the things you like about yourself and the nice things you can remember people saying to you/complimenting you on. I want you to own those things. You are allowed to. Realising our power is scary, but take it in baby steps. You are meant to be the best you can be!

      Im so proud of you for making the effort that you have been making and now when you look in the mirror you are only allowed to look at the good stuff! I love you! xoxox

  • Mia August 25, 2011 at 3:09 am

    And yet you post on Sarah Wilson’s blog that 2 of the top 4 things that make your life better, are men and drugs. After a really inspiring post like this one, that’s kind of disappointing. I really enjoyed your work up until this point.

    • The Dame August 25, 2011 at 10:52 am

      Marijuana is a medicinal herb which I use if I have an anxiety attack which is not often.
      When I got my self together according to this post, I met my boyfriend who loves and supports me unconditionally, I learned to love myself and so was able to attract a man who could love me in a healthy way.

      Im sorry that you have chosen to jump to your own conclusions.