You may have noticed I’ve been quiet lately, and it wasn’t the festive season that kept me busy, I don’t have family and all my friends are spread across the world. I’ve just been, well, off…
2015 was a rough year for me. After months of worsening depression, I sought help and was diagnosed with ADHD, something I had as a little kid and on looking back, my whole life, I just didn’t know it.
The relief of the diagnosis was an overwhelming relief. I spent a day crying and hugging myself, my kid self, my teen self, my twenty-something self, and my now self. I felt so sorry for her, going through so much pain and trying so hard but constantly being tripped up by herself. A life like this made me think I was broken and that I would never really amount to anything I could be proud of.
Sure, I have been and am, moderately, successful at some things I do, but it always seemed to be so much harder for me and my peers seemed to always do so much better than me, even with less ability or smarts. Finding out why I kept stumbling along my path has been a wonderful gift. Now I can look the demon in the face and be friends with it and learn to work with it.
My train is back on the tracks and I’m working to get it moving again, but now comes the difficult part of deciding which direction I want to drive it in.
I feel a call and it gets louder by the day. It’s adventure, new horizons, new people and experiences. They’re in my future, beckoning me. It’s time I quit being a hermit and let myself back out into the world.
Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? How do I want to contribute to the world? Who am I now, now that I can understand myself so much better with this diagnosis? Who do I want to be? What am I talented at? And how can I use that to create a life I love? What do I need? And finally, how do I want to feel overall?
I think the most important questions to answer are “what do I need?” and “how do I want to feel overall?”.
I need adventure and new experiences. I need to document life as we live it and share it with the world. I need to be inspired and inspiring. I need to earn a living from anywhere. I need a home to come home to. I need to connect and I need to retreat. I need sunshine, woodlands, mountains and animals. I need to love and be loved. And I need to believe in myself.
I was recently surprised to discover that I didn’t have an answer to “do you believe in yourself?” and I don’t know why. This year, I think I’ll work on that with my life coach.
One thing I did learn in 2015 is self-compassion. I learned to take it easy on myself, to give myself space to make mistakes. To take a breath and think it through.
By the end of this year I want to:
- have experienced something totally new,
- travelled somewhere I’ve never been before,
- grown my reach and improved my content,
- have acquired a new skill and
- whole heartedly say “yes, I believe in myself”
I also got a really strong message to find the joy in every day. So I try to remember to do that 🙂
As far as travel plans go, well, British Airways are flying direct to Costa Rica (one of my top 5 places to visit before I die) come 27th April, so that seems like a good excuse to finally get myself there!
You can read an online edited version of the article I wrote for the Telegraph’s Stella magazine on being diagnosed with adult ADHD.