One of the things I try to do with this website is be honest about myself and my life in the hopes it will help others so I’m going to be brave and tell you all that there may be a moment of silence on this website due to the fact I am currently dealing with intense emotions that are coming up now that I am off the anti-depressants.
While it has been tears and tantrums (I smashed the screen of my MacBook and am now painstakingly tapping this out on my iPad) I felt I was ready for this. If I am ever to get better I have to deal with my demons and I felt now was the time to do that. The meds helped me get to a good place and now I want to be in a good place without them.
There is a lot of rage in me. I’m angry at myself, my parents, men and the world – all for being failures and failing me and the things I care about.
Then there is guilt for feeling angry at all those things and shame for all the mistakes I made, for the lies I’ve told myself just to get by.
I am stripped bare in the storm of my ignored emotions and I have to ride this storm to the calm. I know there is calm and peace.
This has to happen for me to become a truer me. I’ve done so much work on myself my entire life, once I stopped playing parent to my parents. I then became the self-healer but now I feel I no longer know how to deal with the issues that are left to heal.
I KNOW there is a magnificent me waiting inside, she’s just buried under the rubble of so many past wounds and attacks.
I hope you will all still be here when I feel full enough to write positively for this site.
All my love
Lisa
Dear Dame,
I admire your honesty in sharing your struggles with your various demons. It’s always heartening to know that we (who struggle) are not alone.
About me: I’m on anti-depressants myself (and they’ve helped me enormously). I, also, have issues of rage and betrayal stemming from childhood trauma. I am Not a doctor.
I would, respectively and compassionately, ask you to re-consider your decision around coming off your meds. I am myself trying to get to a place where I can stop taking them. I think that human nature (and brain chemistry) abhors a vacuum. I know that my “old wounds and programming would come on-line again without the meds actiing as a buffer. I know there are natural & holistic supplements that can be used to help our brain’s chemistry to function more constructively. I am exploring those options.
Perhaps, given your recent bout, you may need to have a medical expert aid you in cutting back and monitoring your progress?
I love your blog and I believe things will get better for all us.
Regards,
John Pepper
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John, thank you for your kind words. I am currently taking 500mg Tryptophan (I’d link you but the iPad is a pain!) as well as 100mg zinc, both proven to help with depression. I know I’m strong enough to get through this. I feel like its a virus I need to get rid of, and I will
oh I’m also in counseling, thank you gain for your support.
It takes a lot of guts to do what you’re doing. I’ve been there too – and it’s a pisser going through it. No doubt about it. But you’re a feisty, sassy broad and it will get better. I can’t say when, it’s different for all of us. Yet it will come.
I’ve lied, cheated and bollocksed things up for myself and others – it takes courage to admit that and I admire you for doing it. And I too parented my parents.
I understand the issue about being a truer version of yourself – it’s something I battle all the time, but I’m determined not the bastards get me down and I’ll get there eventually.
In the meantime, take care of you and do what you need to do to sort out your gremlins, demons, rage, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, this is in danger of becoming about me and that’s not what I intended here. Just remember you’re bloody fabulous and we’ll be here when you get back, whenever that is. Thinking of you.
Annie, thank you for your support, it means a lot to me. I am strong enough to heal, I now his wont last
Dame,
You are a constant inspiration to me, in that you are creating and following a path for yourself that is meaningful, and often able to look at positives though you may be feeling badly. I will be thinking of you as you go on this journey, as I am struggling with my own battle with antidepressants, and can sympathize. I wish you luck!
Seventy
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Thank you for your kind words Seventy xo
This is a sad and touching post. I hope you find the strength to keep going. In the meantime, I am thankful to read such an honest piece of writing. I find it intriguing and it has encouraged me to read more of your blog. Take care.
You will be pleased to read my latest blog all about my next adventure! xo
you said “I KNOW there is a magnificent me waiting inside”
I just want you to know I know it too. Inside all of us is an amazing, strong, talented, healthy and whole Goddess full of vision and power and LOVE.
We’ll see you on the other side Sweetie <3
Kate a.k.a. The Secret Goddess recently posted..Poetry as A Prayer Practice
Thank you for your beautiful comment darling! Keep shining! xo