Reader Question: How Do I Become A Strong Independent Woman?

January 16, 2013

I’ve followed you for quite some time now and I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely admire you. I’m 23 and have always wished for the courage to be a strong independent woman, out on my own, yet I have always fallen back to dating another guy, or depending on someone else for some sort of happiness. Did you ever struggle with the same problem?

Hi honey, thank you for your message and kind words. Yes, of course I have had the same problem! I wasn’t the badass I am now without much trial and error, humiliation and regretful mistakes, believe me! But over the years, I have put in the work to improve myself and be better at life. I grew up in a poor and abusive home, took party drugs for ten years and have an every day battle with negative thinking and keeping depression at bay.

Reading Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov changed my life. Before I read that book, I would drive to a guy’s house at 3am because he booty called me, then the next day I would clean his apartment and do his laundry! WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?!? I shudder to think of all the other ways I completely disrespected myself and let men have their way with my heart. That book spoke to me like the big sister or mom I never had and explained to me why I am worthwhile and how to make sure I get treated with respect, after I fully understood why I deserved that respect.

I have given this book to every one of my girlfriends and recommended it to anyone who will listen. But again, that book was the start of me learning to respect myself and go after what I want in life.

I have always been a free thinker. I was raised a christian but religion turned up a lot of questions for me and when I found out that it is man made and I’m supposed to do what some dudes thousands of years ago decided was the law, just did not cut it. I have always been fiercely independent in that way, but then I am Aquarian and we hate being told what to do or to be tied down!

I have always read books, since I was 18 months old, and I mostly read self improvement books. I have a better handle on anxiety and depression and panic attacks now since I read a bunch of books on that stuff.  Try this one and this one.

I do the work and I think for myself and I’m not afraid to be honest with myself no matter how much it hurts. It takes time, and trial and error, and even though I have come a very long way from a severely paranoid girl who couldn’t take a compliment to a woman who has been a naked-on-stage stripper and a dominatrix bossing men around, I still have a very long way to go.

I make my own rules, I don’t ask permission, I explore and experiment with places, people, jobs and myself. I am vigilant of people’s behaviour and my own feelings and reactions to things. I am always curious and questioning. And usually pretty hard on myself and others. I’m working on that.

The bottom line is, you decide. You choose. Your life is up to you. You make it whatever you want it to be, no excuses. If you keep making the same mistake, figure out why. There are hundreds of people who have been through the same thing you have and have even written blogs and books about it. Get reading, do the work that helps you figure out how to win at life.

Good luck babe, go get ’em! xo

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Need help finding the courage to kick ass at life? Head over to my coaching site to see how I can work with you to develop the confidence to live life on your own terms and be the strong independent woman you deserve to be <3

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  • Sylvia January 16, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I absolutely love this post on being an independent woman. I was so excited when I saw that you mentioned Why Men Love Bitches because THAT BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE TOO! And I always force all my girlfriends to read it when they complain about the idiots they’re in relationships with. They’re always hesitant to read it at first, but after they praise it and are all “this book isn’t JUST about men, it’s about taking charge of everything” I’m like YES GIRL! Much power and respect to you darling and I love your blog! You’re a very inspiring and beautiful woman! Keep it up =)

    • The Dame January 16, 2013 at 1:10 pm

      Thanks Sylvia! Im so glad you’ve also discovered the joys of this great book and that it helped you and your friends! xo

  • Phil January 16, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    As a man I would rather have a strong independant women in my life. Never went for the bitchy girls, or over dependent chicks. A secure man needs a cool strong woman otherwise he will walk all over them and the relationship will be doomed.

    Keep rocking lady!

    • The Dame January 16, 2013 at 5:59 pm

      Well said Phil!

  • Lacey February 6, 2013 at 12:46 am

    Oh my gosh I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who used to drive to a guy’s house for the exact same purpose and then practically act like their babysitter/housekeeper simply because I can’t help but want to make people happy. Being a people pleaser with a good heart is a blessing but a curse, not to mention EXHAUSTING. After I read Why Men Love Bitches, my perspective took a complete 180 and I realized that everything I had been doing was completely backwards. I now call that book my “Bitch Bible” even though it’s not necessarily about being one.

    • The Dame February 6, 2013 at 12:57 am

      Hahaha! I too did a 180 after reading that book, and Ive read it many many times and have to keep buying a new one cos I keep giving mine away to girlfriends who needed it 🙂