Guys, I’m sorry to admit this, but (most of) you really, really suck at online dating. How about we start this new year succeeding instead of sucking? The ladies want you to succeed, otherwise you’d just be looking at a bunch of men!

Common online dating fails:

Pictures of you with more than one person, how am I supposed to know which one you are and which of your better looking mates you might be?
Pictures of you with a bunch of ladies, it doesn’t make you look like you are popular with the ladies. No, it doesn’t.
Pictures obscuring your face, or you off in the distance. Does it work for you when the ladies have pictures like this?
One picture. Of your hairy belly button. Yes, this is a real thing and it needs to stop.
Sending a copy and pasted message to all the girls thinking we can’t see what you did there.
Your message being so bland and impersonal that you could have sent it to anyone.
Your message just being a serious of sentences beginning with “I…”. I can read, unlike some of you, I don’t need you to tell me about yourself, that’s what your profile is for.
Terrible 1st grade spelling and zero punctuation. I read books, lots of them, I’m a writer, unless you’re seriously smokin’ hot and I want to bone you (which is rare), your lack of simple grammar and spelling is as big a turn off as yellow and missing teeth.
Your message making it obvious you just looked at my pictures and didn’t bother to read my profile. Zero interest in me means I have 100% interest in hitting delete.
Small talk. Stop it.
And if you don’t know what classes as small talk it goes like this: “hi howru hav agud weeknd?”.
The only men that get away with not saying much are those that are aesthetically pussy magnets. The one’s that are basically too hot to be on a dating website so you know they’re a scam haha! In other words, no win.
Don’t be like any of these guys. Ever.

How to win at online dating:

Be original, be interested, make an effort, have good clear pictures of your face and you doing something you enjoy (preferably not getting shit-faced at the bar, because really, why then are you on a dating website?).

Numero Uno, Most Importante: Take the time to take some good pictures. Nowadays every one and their gran has a camera phone, take a pic of your face and maybe get a friend to take a pic of you doing something you love (not jerking off please), that way we can get a sense about you. Obscured faces reads ‘shady’ and gets no attention.

Actually read the girl’s profile, she may be hot, but is she vapid or psycho? You should be able to tell from what she puts in it.

When you message her, say hello and talk about HER, mention something you liked about her profile or pictures or something you both have in common, ask a question that she may be interested in answering.

Show some effing respect. I find a huge problem with men is they think we women think the same way they do. Take dick pics for example. Just because you would love it if women put pussy pics as their avatars online, does not mean that women want the same thing, 99% of the time we do NOT want to see your junk. Keep it in your pants until given permission to use it. I am 100% sure that if a chick just wants sex from online dating she will be clear about it, don’t assume the rest of us are too shy to say so and that it’s your job to persuade us.

Opposites_Attract_by_Mrs_Drieburg

If she’s beautiful and intelligent, it does not mean something is wrong with her for her to be online dating. She may have a job that means she doesn’t get to socialise much, or she may be in a new town or country. Give the girl a break, suck it up and message her. You guys jump to conclusions way too quickly.

Keep your profile short and simple, which is actually very easy for most of you, but not so short and simple that it really says nothing about you. Try and be self aware and definitely be honest.

opposites_attract_by_siddhartha19-d36er4v

Mention your marmite. By this I mean, three key things that define you. Like your favourite movie and music and hobby. Personally, I don’t go for guys into bad music, brainless movies and who like to get wrecked with their bro’s every weekend. Make it easier for me by listing some things that really define you and that you could not change, that way I know if we are compatible.

If you’re really at a loss as to what to say about yourself (and most of you are), mention what you are passionate about. Unless that is “fucking bitches”, then we have a problem and maybe you should be on one of the casual sex dating sites, yes?

Don’t ever mention your dick. Nobody cares about it as much as you do.

And for the love of god, if you don’t get a reply NEVER SEND MULTIPLE MESSAGES BADGERING HER FOR A REPLY. Hello crazy stalker!!

I really want to know what you all think of my list, have I left anything out? What other ways can we be successful at online dating? And guys, where do the ladies fail in online dating? Also, tell us your funny/awesome online dating stories in the comments below!

Hi, Dame! You always give great advice and was hoping you’d be able to give me some too. I went on a handful of dates with this guy I met, but he suddenly stopped replying to my texts and clearly is no longer keen. I finally deleted him off facebook, but realised that I have a problem in letting go. I want to go into 2013 feeling empowered and happy, not with a self-esteem low enough for me to feel bummed about letting a guy who isn’t good for me, go. Advice on self-confidence and letting go?

Oh honey, right now is a shitty place to be, but everything changes, and you are already one step closer to getting back to Warrior Goddess mode because you deleted him off Facebook, good girl! Now delete him from your phone or change his name to ‘DO NOT ANSWER’ because there is a slight possibility he may call you drunk one night because he wants attention and maybe more.

OR, maybe he thinks he’s not good enough for you? You just never know unless they tell you and that is basically like squeezing water from a stone. The majority of men don’t soul search like we women do and so aren’t that aware of why they do the things they do so have no clue how to tell you if you ask them. Better not to waste your energy because that energy is better spent on taking care of you.

Being ignored by someone you like sucks super hard. It has happened to me countless times, it hurts, but you can choose how you feel about it and how you work it.

When I was a stripper, I had to grow a thick skin, really quickly. You put all this effort into looking your best, and then release yourself into a room full of strange men who are there for various reasons, not all of them positive, and you have to go and sell, like a madwoman to make it all worthwhile. You have to walk up to complete strangers who already have an idea about you and sell them on spending time with you, nakey. I would say, 85% of the time, I was told no, or worse and when you have bills to pay and have already spent money just to work that night (dancers pay the clubs to work), it can get stressful and start to play on your mind, especially when you are surrounded by lots of other gorgeous girls who are selling.

So I had to to come up with a plan and one night, I started to think of the club floor like a game of Minesweeper. Every no, brought me closer to a yes. That’s what kept me going and when I got my yes, it raised my confidence and got the ball rolling and when I was feeling confident and happy, I made mega bucks because all the guys were thinking “hey, that girl is super cool and popular, she must have something I want”. This is now how I think and react whenever I get shunned in real life (what we used to call life outside of the club haha).

If one guy ignores you, he dumb sistah. Don’t toothpick every single thing you said and did around him to try and figure it out. Guys are really simplistic creatures, you may have said or done something that didn’t compute in his brain and that’s what made him choose otherwise, but that is not your fault, that’s how he is wired and if he aint wired to adore you, then you don’t want to waste your time with him! Believe me!

Now you are free to be your awesome Warrior Goddess self that will attract all the boys thirsty for your special brand of milkshake because you do your own thing and they come second and have to fit into your life.

Are you going to be a worrier, or a Warrior?

Books that helped me understand myself and relationships better are Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (this book changed my life) and Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love or Never Call Back.

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