One of the things I try to do with this website is be honest about myself and my life in the hopes it will help others so I’m going to be brave and tell you all that there may be a moment of silence on this website due to the fact I am currently dealing with intense emotions that are coming up now that I am off the anti-depressants.

While it has been tears and tantrums (I smashed the screen of my MacBook and am now painstakingly tapping this out on my iPad) I felt I was ready for this. If I am ever to get better I have to deal with my demons and I felt now was the time to do that. The meds helped me get to a good place and now I want to be in a good place without them.

There is a lot of rage in me. I’m angry at myself, my parents, men and the world – all for being failures and failing me and the things I care about.

Then there is guilt for feeling angry at all those things and shame for all the mistakes I made, for the lies I’ve told myself just to get by.

I am stripped bare in the storm of my ignored emotions and I have to ride this storm to the calm. I know there is calm and peace.

This has to happen for me to become a truer me. I’ve done so much work on myself my entire life, once I stopped playing parent to my parents. I then became the self-healer but now I feel I no longer know how to deal with the issues that are left to heal.

I KNOW there is a magnificent me waiting inside, she’s just buried under the rubble of so many past wounds and attacks.

I hope you will all still be here when I feel full enough to write positively for this site.

All my love
Lisa